Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough
Luis
20, HIV+, Latino, Male, Gay, Has used crystal
Sometimes I feel like I am just not good enough. But, I mean I was doing what I had to do. It's like, I'm homeless, I'm without a job, that just sits on your shoulders and it's just, like, too much weight on your shoulders and crystal helped me push it off and make me forget about it. I was just going crazy.
My father passed away and after that it was like I wanted to, I didn't care. You know, going through the whole shelter system with my family and seeing that, it was a lot of stress, a lot of stress and I was the only one there for them. I had a lot on me, a lot of I need you, I need you, I need you, but you know I had no one. So, I gave up. Crystal was my escape at that point…I wasn't using it for too long, but it actually put a big dent in my life and pocket. I was actually hustling to get my drugs of crystal or cocaine or whatever I was doing. It brought a lot of sexual tension in my life and was probably the cause of me contracting HIV.
And, you know, I took a big step back from it all and looked at it and realized that crystal meth was not for me. It really, it not only charged my brain, but what it did to my health, I wasn't in great health at all, I was always sick. I always was like getting ideas, like my thoughts, were very bottled and everything, I always jumped to conclusions, even about things that weren't even true and I was always feeling like, yeah, paranoid. I didn't do it for too long. I did it for maybe a summer or two. I didn't really do it during Christmas time or during the holidays or winter, it was really more towards summer. And, it just, it wasn’t for me, it wasn't really for me. I stopped. That's basically what it was about.
Crystal is, it boosted a lot of my sex drive to a point where I needed sex all the time just like I needed crystal. You know what I mean? After you know, dealing with everything, like my homelessness and everything, I recently found out I'm HIV positive, like six months ago or let's say a year. So, I mean, it impacted my life a lot, negatively.
Comments (983)
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Keep going Luis. I have studied many spiritual paths, gone to AA, SAA, CAA - was raised Catholic, studied buddism and Sanskrit, and always searched until i found what was right for me and what gave me strength. You will find what that is for you too, as long as you're willing to do the work. One of the best things anyone told me was that I was never going to change. I stared at him in disbelief, feeling like i was going to throw up, but he said it again, "You will never change." And when i asked him what would keep me from crystal, what would give me happiness, he again smiled and said, "You can't change, people don't change, and if you keep sitting there hoping to change, you're screwed. What you have got to learn to do is ride life, like a surfer rides a wave. The more you do, helping others, being proactive, sharing, trying not to judge, EFFORT -- those things won't change you, BUT they will give you the strength to ride life's waves. And the stronger you get the bigger and crazier the waves you can ride. You might still want to panic and run, and that feeling might never go away, but your ability to deal with those feelings and ride those waves will grow stronger and stronger, and you will have the power to deal with our own free will, and make the choices that will help you carry on. I hope this helps-- it really helped me. xoxox M
alive | July 29, 2010 12:55 am -
I lived as a gay man for ten years. I tried to find happiness everwhere, sex, drugs and rock n roll. I did T quiet a few times. I never was addicted to it though, I have tried x, coke, t, weed, ghb, and a few more. I am here to tell you all it did when it wore off was tear me down. Yea it made sex wild but i was seeing things and hearing voices. Is that a life someone wants to live I don't so I gave my life back to christ and decided to live for HIM. there is hope you don't have to live in discouragement and fear. Visit www.victorlevan.com for help
www.victorlevan.com | July 10, 2010 8:35 pm -
That really sucks. I feel your pain. In L.A./Hollywood everyone just uses you for what they can get, when they want it, and how they want it, but when you need a friend, they are no where in site. Some guys tell you things you haven't heard in years, and you pnp with them for 15 or more hours, then they ask "where should we go from here?", and once you show any type of affection, they are gone in an instant!!! Somehow this one, just keeps getting back every time it's convenient for him. He never calls or says, "hey, do you want to get together today/tonight",it's only after he's been out in LA for 3 days partying and having sex with as many guys as he can get, then he calls me as if I'm a fucking truck stop or lay over for his drive back to O.C. and I let him back in. I know it's my fault, but I am alone and sometimes afraid, so seeing him even for a short time is better than never, (I think) he usually is too exhausted to have sex with me after the 3rd day and just falls asleep in my bed, but I did get to hold him all night. I can't stand it anymore, I just wish I wasn't gay. This community has destroyed my hopes, dreams and life, although I must take half of the blame, it still hurts terribly. Signed, LosT Angeles
LosT Angeles | July 10, 2010 3:44 am - View all comments
